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You ever been at a point where there’s a fork in the road?  Metaphorically speaking, of course.  Like you’re at a point in your life where you could go two, three, four, or five different ways, but you’re not sure which one to go to.  As a matter of fact, you don’t even know if you’re on the right road in the first place.  We’re all conditioned in life to go on a certain “path to success.”  Everything flows in one direction and we are all “going with the flow.”  But the flow isn’t always right for everyone.  And sometimes it takes a long time for people to realize that.  Just because you take a different path than someone else shouldn’t mean you’re crazy.  It just means you take the road less traveled.  That’s my life motto.  I like doing things that are done less because it fuels the fire.

I’m not normal.  Anyone I know will tell you that.  I just feel different from everyone, like I’m unique or something.  And I am, but I’m extremely different.  I have these thoughts that just appear in my head that are quite funny, for the most part.  I choose more of a creative way to look at the world than an objective perspective.  It’s kind of like one of those pictures psychoanalysts show mental patients and ask them what they see.   Those ink blots.  I would come up with some of the craziest things, and I bet it wouldn’t even be in their manual.  It’s all about my perspective.  I guess it’s just a little askew from the rest of the world.  But I celebrate my uniqueness every waking moment.  If I see something differently, I let them know.  If someone says, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” I’ll say, “An apple a day puts the doctor out of business.”

It’s just a little unreal when I look at some people who just do what people tell them to do.  They don’t question it.  They don’t even think about it.  All they do is follow some presupposed path that someone else lays out for them.  It’s like they don’t know what to do themselves, so they put some “life coach” in charge of their life.  Everybody supposedly has a role model that they try and base their life on at some point.  But at another point in their life, they realize they don’t want to be who they’re modeling.  They just want to be themselves.  Why should I try and be Tony Danza when I don’t have his acting ability or his funny name?  I just can’t do it.  I can choose to be myself or no one else.  Going with my gut is something that’s very powerful.  I’m learning to trust in what I feel, not what others suggest.  I just do what I want to do, and let everyone do what they do.  Live and let live, I say. 

But at some point, I’m sure I’ll try and encourage people to live their lives in a more conscious manner.  Sometimes I look at certain people and think, “How the hell are they ever going to make it?”  Someone who follows life philosophies of Starr Jones and Paris Hilton are not going to last very long.  I’m sure they’ll figure that out on their own, eventually, when they reach a higher state of awareness.  You can’t be someone else, and even if you could, it would be boring.  It would just be another copy of someone who already exists.  I, for one, could not live with two Kathy Griffins running around.  Believe me.  So, let those that inspire you do so, but don’t strive to be just like them.  Strive to be who you are and then some.  And be sure to work hard at it.

People often look at hard work as something that they don’t want to do.  Most people don’t do it.  And that’s why you should.  There’s a lot less competition because so few people will have the willpower to go to the lengths that you do.  Sure, instead of writing this article, I could have put on the TV and watched a marathon of Sanford and Son.  But I chose not to.  Not because I don’t like the show, but because what I’m doing now is so much more motivating to me, there’s no competition. I feel like I’ve finally found my outlet to the world and I’m taking as much advantage of it as I can.  You may not agree with everything I say, but you know, that’s not what I’m looking for.  I’m just looking for people to read.  People to return.  I’m looking to inspire people to chase after their dreams like I am. 

None of us really know why we’re here.  Whatever you believe, that’s up to you.  But until you actually have a purpose in your life, there’s no reason for really living.  You don’t want to live another forty years working at Wendy’s.  You don’t want to spend the rest of your life collecting disability and moping around in your two-room apartment.  You want to live your purpose.  So what’s stopping you?  Your fear of failure?  You are going to fail.  Fail a lot.  Every successful person has failed.  And what separates them from the non-successful is their will to keep going after every failed attempt.  That’s what is going to make you stand out.  Hard work.  Being persistent.  Knowing that without these qualities, success isn’t impossible, but it is much, much more difficult.  Create a life plan.  Know what you want out of life.  And don’t settle for something else when you know what the person inside you is saying.  “I want to be me.” 

Howie Mandel makes me laugh.  I saw him do stand-up on Comedy Central’s Secret Stash about a year ago and I’ve been looking for his older comedy for awhile.  But when I found out he was hosting a television gameshow, I thought, “Damn it!”  I said that because I knew he was going to be censored in a very strict manner.  Which is one reason why I hate network television.  People aren’t allowed to speak their mind.  It’s all about who gets offended these days.  It’s never how something can be made better by some off-color humor.  This post relates to the show Deal or No Deal, but also to every comedian who sold out to be famous and wasn’t half as funny as their true self while in the Hollywood shows and movies that are so critially acclaimed.

Howie Mandel:  I figured I’d start with him.  I remember watching his children’s show Bobby’s World and I remember thinking, “Wow, this show is stupid.”  I never really thought much of him as a person.  I didn’t know what potential he had when he can just let loose in a nightclub.  The vision I had of Howie Mandel was a watered-down version, just like the one I also saw on Deal or No Deal.  However, I saw the second watered-down version of him after I saw the real him.  So it kind of shocked me that he would still take the money and run while censoring himself into Bob Saget (who by the way will be mentioned in this article).  But it came down to one thing:  Take the money and be lame, or not take the big paycheck and remain unable to reach a broader audience, but still be able to be who you truly are.  Now, it’s quite a predicament, I know, but I’m sure it’s not easy to make a decision for sure. 

Eddie Murphy:  Eddie Murphy is a great comedian.  However, even though a few of his movies were remotely funny, he still was saying things that other people put in his mouth.  The older he’s got, the more kid-friendly movies he’s done.  And they’re just awful now.  I can’t even believe people go to see movies like Pluto Nash and Daddy Day Care.  Ugh.  You’d have to pay me to go see stuff like that.  But he’s done movies back in the day that were so amazing.  Take the original Nutty Professor for example.  That was as close to the real Eddie as mass media would allow.  Typical humor to his style, and the fact that he played almost every character at that dinner table.  Those were the days.  At least for him.  But of course, Dr. Dolittle was to follow, along with an array of subpar comedies from a man that changed from a funny guy to a family-friendly cop-out comedian.  I’m sure he did it for the money, but after you get your fifth 20 million dollar check, isn’t it about time to be yourself again?  Isn’t it?

Redd Foxx:  Redd Foxx was one of the bluest comedians of his era, and yet, on his hit show Sanford and Son, he was nothing but an old man with hardly any sense of humor.   Sure, it was funny when he called Lamont Wilson a “big dummy,” but that’s about it.  I remember hearing just one joke of Redd Foxx’s, and I laughed my ass off.  But, for some reason, he never really became his real self on the show.  He was this watered-down pony express.  It was still pretty funny, but I knew he was funnier.

Bob Saget:  This guy is the king of selling out.  I remember hearing someone telling me that Bob Saget was funny.  And I thought, No, he can’t be funny.  I’ve seen him on America’s Funniest Home Videos< and he’s anything buy funny.  All he ever does are those stupid voices and acts like a moron. He can’t possibly be funny.  And then I saw a video of him performing on stage and I laughed my ass off, again.  Where was all this material on the show?  On <a href=”>America’s Funniest Home Videosand he’s anything buy funny.  All he ever does are those stupid voices and acts like a moron. He can’t possibly be funny.  And then I saw a video of him performing on stage and I laughed my ass off, again.  Where was all this material on the show?  On America’s Funniest Home Videos, he wasn’t who he really is and that really hurt his career. Now everyone thinks of him as someone who does stupid jokes during someone else’s home videos.The whole point of htis post was to show that all these people had been gvien a deal that would censor them and give them loads of money, or be themselves and continue what they’re alredy doing for less money.  I guess what they say is true:  Money is the root of all evil.  I mean I can understand that some people, like Jerry Seinfeld, didn’t really need to censor himself because he already was a clean comedian.  He was incharge of his show.  Louis CK is making a show on HBO that’s pretty funny.  It’s a sitcom.  I saw one peisode and I enjoyed it.  It was all things from his stand-up act.  Jesus Christ, I’m going to have to add a lot of links to this article.  Wish me luck!

I want to write a post on saving animals.  And no, it’s not to save the dolphins or the kittens or the other cute animals.  This is a post to save the animals that nobody gives a damn about.  The ones that people who see them don’t really care what happens to them.  Why is this?  Because I don’t believe that other animals should get preference over these not so aethetic animals.

The Sloth:  The sloth is one of the laziest and most disgusting animals ever.  It’s amazing that something like that can even exist.  I guess that’s why one of the seven deadly sins is named after it.  It just spends all day, clinging to a tree, eating the bugs that climb into its skin.  It’s very unkept and I’m willing to bet it hasn’t shaved in a couple of months.  But just because it’s lazy and unkempt, does that mean that these animal rights advocates can just forget about them?  Sure, they’re not doing anything, but why should they not be protected like the cute kitten or the dolphins who are supposedly as smart as human beings.  My ass.

The Platypus:  This thing looks like a last-second project done by a procrastinator.  Of course, I’m talking about the duck-billed variety.  Just took some sort of beaver and stuck a beak on it.  That’s essentially what it is.  Now its head is low because the bill is so heavy, he can’t even afford to look up, unless he wants to risk snapping his neck.  He’s the joke of the animal kingdom.  I’m sure other animals look at him and are like, “Hey, are you a platypus, a duck, or do you go both ways?”  And every time that happens the platypus dies a little inside.  But he’s used to it.

The Walrus:  What the hell is this thing?  It looks like something out of a Steven King novel, except he’s not scary at all.  With those tusks, he looks like an elephant who just gave up onl ife and became a couch potato.  But just because he doesn’t eat peanuts doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to be on the World Wildlife Fund posterboard.  I mean, come on, he’s at least lived for awhile and done what he needs to do to be recognized as an animal.  He’s handed in the paperwork and everything.  So give him his shot in the limelight.

The Manatee:  I don’t know why, but people have often mistaken a manatee for a mermaid.  How the hell is that possible?  Even if they did, it must have been one ugly, fat mermaid who didn’t exactly bring home the bacon, probably because she already ate it.  I feel bad that the manatee doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.  I mean, just a centerfold in Animal Magazine would do it some good.  It’s not like the last one was any good anyway.  And it’s the so-called “sea cow.”  The sea cow?  Moo?  That’s just cruel.  You know why?  Because it doesn’t even know we call it that?  you know why?  Because it doesn’t speak our language.  And that’s one reason why there needs to be a memo sent to them, in their language. 

So, here I stand, complaining about animals that don’t get their due.  But what am I going to do about it, you may be asking.  Well, I’ll tell you.  I’ve decided to start a Save the Platypus foundation, which will encompass all of the animals mentioned here, along with the aardvark, the xenops, and a lot of the nocturnal animals, who are supposedly self-conscious, which is why the only come out under the cover of darkeness.  Look for a poster in the future.  It’s going to be dynomite!  Peace.

Speed dials, instant messanger, cell phones, superfast computers, iPods, Palm Pilots, answering machines.  We always have to be talking to someone, writing an email, occupying each and every second of our time with some kind of activity.  They even have drive-thru funerals now.  Everything out there is to try and save time.  Try and fit as much in one day as possible.  Why?  So you can feel some false sense of accompishment?  There is no more reflection.  There’s no more pausing.  It’s all doing things and for the most part, we don’t even know why we’re doing them.  People who work really hard and never stop are looked upon as some sort of super-achiever, but his/her accomplishments mean nothing.  Because they’re doing shit they don’t even want to do. 

I like the concept though that people are too busy to be people anymore.  They’re more like robots or zombies.  I guess you could call them zombies racing to their grave.  Eventually, there might be drive-thru divorce courts.  That’s not a bad idea.  Get everything over with as soon as possible.  And then move on to something else.  And try and get it all over with again.  It’s a vicious cycle.  What are we doing this stuff for?  I mean, come on.  Tone it down a little.  Understand that doing nothing can be a reward once in awhile. 

Some inventions take up a lot of our time.  We try to work so hard to save time, and then most of us spend thousands of hours a year in front of the good old TV.  I am guilty of this from time to time.  Hours and hours, watching a box with people doing things that seem remotely interesting to me.  Sometimes I wonder about people.  Saving all this time up to watch Desperate Housewives while you unwind from your 22-hour day of errands, work, school, and exercise.  Some people say, “There’s not enough hours in a day.”  I say there’s not enough days in a weekend.  Why is laziness looked down upon.  Hey, I can tell you some amazing stories about how laziness can pay off.  And I can tell you that it doesn’t really require much skill.  It’s just sitting around, thinking about life, reflecting.  It’s not really lazy for the mind, but people who are busy, busy, busy, are so judgmental when it comes to seeing some guy not doing everything they’re doing.  It’s always, “I wanna do this, I wanna do that.”  Hold on a minute.  Kick back, relax, and breathe.

And it’s only going to get faster.  Pretty soon, we’ll be able to go shopping in 6.2 seconds, which will free up more time to do more stuff, none of which leads to our survival needs, which in turn destroy more of our time.  We are desperately looking for things to fill the gap between all the time we saved.  Eventually “burnout” is going to be a common word that happens every day to everyone.  What ever happened to imagination?  What ever happened to using our brains and our bodies, not just our bodies?  Are we on this planet to be some mindles autonomon or do we want to be something a little bit more?  I’ll leave it up to you.  This post has wasted too much of my time. 

People will often ask me, “Andrew, how do you come up with this stuff?”  It’s not an easy thing to explain.  You have to really be me to know how the inner workings come up with such prepostorous stuff.  I never know when it will strike me, but I make sure I always have something to write on when it does.  It’s not even really making the effort either.  I mean, sometimes I’ll try to think up some jokes and maybe I’ll get one or two good ones out of five that I feel I had to “force.”  But it’s better for me to think of jokes while in a conversation or while thinking about something else.  I think of more observational stuff when I’m just talking and hanging out.  It’s more or less the equivalent of a joke writing opiphany.  Or however you spell that word.  Sometimes I’ll just write stuff and shit will just come out.  It’s like one of my jokes was “in the closet” waiting to burst out and tell the world it exists.  I don’t know.  It just happens. 

Sometimes, when I watch comedians, I develop ideas about different things.  That is why I love to watch different comedians and see how my ideas are similar to them.  But many of my ideas are different than theirs as well.  But one comedian, named Jim Gaffigan, did this joke that just spoke so true to me, it was amazing:  “You ever had one thing to do all day, but you just didn’t do it?  You’re like, ‘I gotta go to the bank, but that means I’d have to put on pants.  I’ll have to do that next week.’”  That just reminds me of how I think.  Relatable material.  In some respect, that’s what sells.  One thing that really resonates with me is getting all motivated to do something and then just “not.”  It’s like you get all geared up to do something and then ya don’t.  It’s like, “I’m gonna start my own business, yeah!  Let’s do it!”  Then the next day, I’m like, “What the hell was I thinking?  Starting my own business?  How gay is that?”

One thing I like about developing jokes is putting a set list together.  I like to surprise people.  For example, mixing up jokes is one of my specialties. Many comedians you know like to transition their material, but not me.  I do it like I just thought of each joke as it comes to me. It’s more real, at least to me.  Like I may do a joke about volunteering at an old folk’s home, then go to Native Americans trying to get a reservation at the Olive Garden.  It’s all up here.

One tool that really works well for developing original premises is journaling.  Just either when you wake up, or right before you go to bed, just write stuff down.  Write whatever comes off your hand to the pen.  Whatever is in the back of your mind, push it to the front and let it loose.  Jerry Seinfeld used to write for one hour every day and used a timer, supposedly.  That’s a little too structured for me. 

A lot of comedians like to tell stories.  I find that really boring, unless there’s jokes peppered throughout the whole thing.  If there isn’t, it’s like watching a slide show of my aunt’s trip to the barren landscape of Arizona.  I mean, come on.  Make me laugh, don’t make me sleep.  People like stories, though.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because they feel they can relate to it.  Like a story about a breakup.  But if you’re going to do that, at least have a few punchlines in there.  Not only one because it’s going to take too long to get where you need to go, which will make the audience forget what you were talking about.

One-liners are jokes that often get a big response, but they often don’t have much substance to them.  But they can be very funny.  Steven Wright, Rodney Dangerfield, Mitch Hedberg.  They’re all somewhat household names among comedy fans.  Among non-comedy fans, I’m sure no one knows who they are, but that’s not important.  They’re not the people who will be able to carry on long conversations about the dilvery of Carrot Top. 

I really want to call Comedy Cabana and see if I can open for someone soon.  It’s mostly going to be after I get my driver’s license (I’m 20).  Once I can go down there and hang out with the comedians and eventually headline there, I’ll be awesome.  It’s just the transportation problem right now.  Eventually, I’m hoping to go somewhere that I have at least six or seven comedy clubs to oscillate between, which will give me optimal stage time.  Also, open mic nights are key.  I’ve done my share of those.  All I gotta say is I have the material.  If you were to look at all my jokes, (100s of pages), you’d know I could wow quite a bit of audiences, so I need to start performing more and getting more laughs.   But I believe I’ve got the material down.  On to performing!  Peace out.  (I have performed over ten times. I just need to do it more frequently.)

No.  Hard work is the cornerstone of success.  And failure is very common before you will actually become widely successful.  People are always asking me if there is a secret that will instantly make you successful.  No, there’s not.  Unless, of course hard work is the secret you were looking for.  A positive attitude can help success come easier, but it is by no means easy.  There is no secret.  Look at all the people who are successful, like your personal hero.  What has that person done that’s amazing?  Why is that something you look up to?  Is their version of success your version of success?  My version of success is to make people laugh in a consistent manner.  Easier said than done.  Maybe your version of success is reading a book.  I don’t know.  Maybe you want to climb to the top of Mount Everest.  But you have to know why you want to do these things. 

I want to give you a persoanl story that may help.  For the younger generation, this may be more relatable.  I remember when I was younger and I had a Playstation game console.  I had this game called Crash Bandicoot 2.  I tried so hard to besat that game 100%.  I was almost there, at around 92% or so.  I would try for hours and hours to beat it.  But eventually, I stopped before I made it to 100%.  I just gave up.  Not because I was weak, but because I realized that whether or not I beat this game entirely will not affect me in any way that brings me towards my all-time goal of being a comedian.  It had no bearing on how my family and friends would look at me, except for maybe a select few.  But just because I beat a game that was in no contact with the rest of the world didn’t mean I was somehow better.

I just never really cared enough about it.  Now let’s look at the Mount Everest climbing.  Let’s say you were committed to climbing Mount Everest and you were climbing for, say, a week.  You finally realize that this isn’t what you want to do.  This isn’t something that resonates with you.  you have two choices.  You can either continue on up the mountain and do something that isn’t really you, or you can decide to call for helicopters to come and pick you up, abandoning your stagnant dream.  I just hope you have some Powersauce bars to keep you fed while you wait for your rescue.

People often do things to fill a void in their life.  Some people watch TV.  Some people listen to propaganda.  But if you do these things that contradict what you’re trying to accomplish, isn’t your time better spent working on something you actually want?  I can’t recall how many times I’ve really been into a TV show, but at one point or another in the show, I say, “why the hell am I watching this?” and I turn it off and go do something meaningful.  I’ve been doing that a lot with Law and order: CI and SVU.  They’re addictive shows once you get into them.  But the ones I watch are on USA, so I’m not sure if they’re new or old syndicated shows that are not really relevant today. 

The key to being successful is devoting time to being successful.  If you just want to wake up one day and be a success, you’ve got another thing coming.  Another cliche.  i’m two for two.  if you were to just work an hour to two hours a day on what you want to become, rather than watching Friends or Montel williams, then you would be ten or so hours closer to your goal in a week.  in a month, forty hours closer.  And in a year, 2080 hours closer, which amounts to a lot of time that will really push you in the right direction. 

To reiterate:  Success has no secret, unless that secret is hard work, time management, and a positive attitude.  So, until next time, laugh yourself to sleep.