On Apathy
I have been feeling kind of apathetic lately in general, so I figured I would put some of the quotes I had thought of when deciding to become an apathetic speaker about a year ago. In the least, it should be pretty funny:
“Motivation is enthusiasm’s ugly cousin.”
“I know I was supposed to write a speech, but I really didn’t care enough to do it.”
“The people at CVS gave me an Extra Care Card. I still don’t care.”
“I woke up this morning and said to myself, ‘I’m going back to bed.’”
“I am indifferent as to whether or not I will make a difference in the world.”
I just feel kind of out of it lately. I need to find a topic that motivates me. A topic that inspires me. A topic that makes me want to get up in the morning. Maybe I am depressed. How would I know? I’m not a therapist. When I read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I thought that it was a complete waste of time. Nobody wants to be that effective. So effective that they can build a pyramid in one day, who would actually want to accomplish things like that so fast? I enjoy to watch processes unfold, one of the things that mystifies me more than anything is the accumulation of dust on top of a surface over weeks. Sometimes I’ll just watch it happen, and then realize I have to go to work. I like to watch the weeds grow in my front yard, amazed that something can come from basically nothing without any nourishment from me. Maybe this is a form of laziness, not apathy,but I really don’t know. Observing things like that make me think about how impermanent life is. In one fell swoop, all the dust that has accumulated for the past six months can be wiped away with a duster. The weeds can be pulled in one swift motion, of what took weeks to grow. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if we allowed these processes to continue further and further, until there was no turning back, and the lawn was riddled with weeds, and dust was all over the place, and then I realize that observing these sorts of things is something I shouldn’t do so much, as I now know it isolates me from the rest of the world.
One thing I like to do when I am at work, when there is nothing else to do, is watch the people come into the store, one by one, and when I check them out, one by one, instead of viewing them as another customer, I view them as people, who have been developing all these years up until this point, where they decide they need more things to eat, and I imagine what they do when they go home and put the groceries away, then sit down to watch their favorite nighttime show, followed by a scoop of ice cream and then an early bedtime, with vivid dreams and some sleeping pills. I don’t know why I do these things, but I do.
I have been keeping a dream log for the past year, on and off, but pretty consistent, I guess, and it is amazing how many dreams I have had since I started it. This is a very unorganized blog post, I realize, but I feel it is the most real one I have written in awhile. I am speaking from my being, from my real self, not from the perfectly edited and censored version everyone is so used to hearing and seeing. I am letting loose from the handlebars of life, putting myself out there, just allowing myself to be me. I can’t exactly understand why I am doing this, but I have a feeling it will all come full-circle soon. Everything feels like one gigantic blur and time and space are becoming more and more meaningless as I drift into the unknown further and further, opportunities expanding and contracting, like the roads in the summer and winter, and I sit here, recognizing the differences, understanding the consequences, and yet I still sit here, typing away, not knowing what to do, where to go, how to finish this post.
I love this quote from a song I heard before and I hope you’ll appreciate it as well, “Life is nothing but a dream, so peaceful and serene, unless you’re being evil then you’re on the devil’s team, why perceive what you want to believe?” It just somehow makes sense to me. It is all about waking up from this dream, this delusion, this conscious disallusionment of experience. The main question I am trying to answer is: Who or what am I? Once I answer that, I feel I will be able to move forward. And I shall get some sleep now. I have an early day ahead of me, filled with possibilities, most of which I will remain oblivious to, but others I will decide not to pursue for reasons I cannot even fathom at this point. Good night.
February 12th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Hi Andrew.
Your post is very introspective. I’m intrigued by your dream log. Perhaps you’ll feel compelled to share some of your dreams as blog entries and also explore possible meanings. As for identity, I sense that each of us is meant to explore questions of self throughout a lifetime. Ideas have no standard pice. They gain value based on how you put ideas into operation.
“The man who actually knows just what he wants has already gone a long way in attaining it.” -Napoleon Hill