Away from Normality (A conversation with myself)
I am someone who always thinks outside the box. It is my nature. Besides, the box is too crowded anyway. I find the more I talk to yourself, the less people will talk to me. I guess it’s probably because they do not want to interrupt the conversation I’m having with myself. At least I can laugh about it later. Some people can’t. At least I never got in a heated debate with myself. I sometimes speak too soon. Sometimes when I am in public and I feel like talking to myself but do not want to be looked upon as clinically insane, I pull out my cell phone and use that to have a fictitious conversation with my subconscious. I pace back and forth and give good arguments. At least when I talk to myself, I at least get somewhere with it.
Doing this is a contant theme in my life. It always was. And it probably always will be. I even used to carry around a little tape recorder so I could record everything I was saying. Maybe I’m secretly lonely. Who knows? All I can really say about this is it is a part of who I am, and I would not trade it for anything.
Another thing that is very different from other peope is I tend to “zone out” quite a bit. It is a very strange feeling where my thoughts take me for a wild ride, and it takes me quite a long time to get back. When I do come back, or “zone in,” I need to check the clock to see how long I was gone. It is almost like I’m not even around when this happens. I just fade out of existence. It is a different kind of meditation. One that happens spur of the moment and goes on until I realize I need to come back to reality.
A sad state my mind was in when my mini tape recorder broke and now I will have to buy a DVR, or Digital Voice Recorder. I feel kind of awkward speaking into it, unless I pretend it is a cell phone. Especially if there are a lot of people around. I say something like, “Why does only one company make the Monopoly game?” or “A man with OCD broke into my house and cleaned the entire thing. I didn’t call the cops. I hired him as my cleaning man.” I guess I shouldn’t care what those people think, really. If we all really are one, then they know what I am doing and understand me unconditionally. I just wish more people weren’t so afraid to show their weirdness. I can’t wait until casual Friday at my work. I have the clown costume and makeup all ready. Boy, will they be surprised.
I just find a safe life boring. A life where you do what everyone else is doing and just go with the flow of society. I can’t see myself ever doing some of the things people do for fun, or do because other people do it. It has to resonate with me and no one else. The only exception I am making is doing my taxes on time. I do not want to be victim to the IRS and their unlawful tactics. I really enjoy seeing things the way I see them, not the way I am conditioned to see them. For example, when people say that Angelina Jolie is attractive, I mean, she’s okay, but I don’t really find her that attractive. And no, I’m not gay. It is just how I see things.
Recently, I thought of a real good idea that may or may not get me arrested, but I won’t actually do it. When I was undergoing brain cancer treatment, radiation, I got this radiation mask, and it is custom fitted to my face, and is made of plastic with a bunch of little holes in it. My plan is to wear it to the bank and attempt to make a withdrawal. It would be really funny, but nah, I may wait. I am also one of the only people who like talking to telemarketers. I like to string them along, have them go all the way up to their sales pitch and then say, “No.” It brings me a sort of smug satisfaction. It is really funny.
If I wasn’t who I am today, I would feel like I was someone else. I do whatever it is I feel is right for me to do and I always follow my instincts. If I feel like something is wrong, like buying fast food, I do not partake in that endeavor. If I do not think Christianity is a good religion for me, I do not follow it. The whole theme of this post is to trust in yourself and who you are and do not be afraid to express yourself in public. I used to feel that way, that I always had to censor myself so people did not label me as crrazy or delusional. Now I just laugh at those silly labels, and I encourage you to do the same. Just don’t threaten anyone’s life. That could lead to jail time. Now to find that Google Adsense code…
April 17th, 2007 at 12:03 am
You rock man. This post applies to me so well (censoring myself not trying to sound crazy). It seems like you’ve got a really great outlook on life.
April 21st, 2007 at 1:13 am
One of the great things about your reflections is how you’re learning to recognize your ability to self-examine and step outside your own views. You see how media and society influence you to think and perceive. You recognize it’s not bad to disagree with the status quo. In fact, you get an energy boost from expressing what you really think and feel good about it. At the same time, you realize negative consequences could arise if you were as impulsive as you sometimes feel. Laughing at ourselves is great.