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Astronomy (n): The study of stars which makes humans realize how insignifcant they really are.

The universe is gigantic. Gigantic beyond comprehension even. Billions and trillions of stars, millions of galaxies, an infinite amount of energy, somewhere out there, in the universe. It sure makes you feel small. It makes everything on Earth seem so insignificant with respect to the infinity of the universe. But why is it so big? What does it mean for us that we are so much less important than we initially thought? Most people resist taking on a cosmic perspective, at least in my life, and I think I know why. Because it is overwhelming and kind of depressing at first. Even taking on a global perspective is kind of demotivating, if looking at your life with respect to everyone who has ever lived on this planet. It just makes you realize your time is limited here.

But if we are living on a spinning ball, making revolutions around the sun, in a heirarchy ofmillions and billions of other systems like this, some dying, some being born, then what are we ? Why are we here? That is the one question that everyone wants to know the answer to. Some so badly they will buy just about any story someone can come up with. If someone says that we are here to learn a lesson or that there is an invisible man in the sky judging you, that you should strive to do good and not evil, people listen with great intent. And it is not a bad thing to give meaning to your life, but in a way, isn’t it a form of denial? I mean, I do believe there is life after death, a spiritual life, but I still question what that will mean, or if it will all be revealed to me once I cross over (but not with Jon Edwards). And when discussing the meaning of life with the close-minded evangelical-like believers, they will never change their perspective or even consider yours. Which is a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

Sure, there may be, and probably is, a spiritual side of life, and it is more empowering to believe that after you die, you will still exist. The other perspective is worthless, is demotivating, and will bring you a very depressing life because if there is no meaning, what is the point? But if you believe that there is something beyond this crazy planet and the whole universe, then you will most likely have less fear because no matter what happens to your physical body, you still exist in some form, therefore nothing can really destroy you, the essence of your being.

But if we are spiritual in nature, why are we living on some gigantic sphere, spinning around in circles around another even bigger sphere, along with other spheres, and other stars, for billions and billions of years, forever and ever and ever? I don’t know. I still have not figured out what this means. There has to be some reason why all of this is here. It’s not just for us to look at. Before us, these things were still here, so there has to be some purpose to it. Animals don’t question these things, they just live their lives. They instinctively must know something we do not. They must already know something about the infinity of time and space and are just allowed to live. The human, with his inquisitive and rational nature, is always wanting answers to questions that, from his/her perspective, are unanswerable.

Life goes on. Like some roller coaster ride that never ends, the universe does what it does best. And we stay here, trapped on some blue marble in the perspective of the whole universe, our lives nothing but a cosmic wink in the grand scheme, and for some reason we still find a way to get out of bed in the morning. Even though we either consider life meaningless or timeless (in the spiritual sense). I guess the way to look at it is, you could either believe life is meaningless and be apathetic, lethargic, and careless about your actions, which don’t really matter, or you can believe in a spiritual life beyond the grave, and make an effort to enrich your life here before moving on to whatever lies ahead. It would seem to me that option number two, the latter, would make a better choice to live a fulfilling life. And even if I am wrong, at least I lived a good life.

I would like to close this post with abstract thinking I would like to share with you. Imagine getting a snapshot of the universe. Of the whole thing. And pretend you were looking from far above at this thing, and what would be outside of it? How would this provide a bigger context for living? Would this solve anything at all or would it only create more confusion? We are imbedded in this system, so we have no way to see the whole thing simultaneously. Maybe doing so would give us some sort of answer. Maybe not. Have a cosmic day.

I’ve been considering fasting for some time, I just can’t do it. Can’t make a commitment. Not eating for days on end, not something I can make a conscious effort to do. I am aware of the potential benefits, especially of a juice fast, where all I would consume are fresh juices, but then I’ll have to clean the juicer three or four times a day, not something I want to do. I realize that fasting is a detox mechanism which allows for repair and gives my digestive system a rest. If I did a water fast, I am sure I would get sick of water after a certain amount of time and move on to heavier things, like broth, then juice, then eventually something tastier–soda. I’m just curious as to how a fast is constituted and how I can get a doctor to write me a note for three to five days off work so I can try this whole fasting thing and see how I like it. I think this whole fasting dream I have is all a scheme for me to get off work a few more days each week.

“I can’t come into work today. I have toxins in my body and if I let them stay there too long, I could die. I need to detox for at least five days, maybe six.” I would have to do it in the raspy voice I usually use to call in sick, a voice that sounds like I just got out of bed and haven’t said a word all day. I bet I could pull that off, if I had some sort of research on it. I would most likely try and break the fast at breakfast. That way I coud be doing one of those double entondre (?) things where I can say I’m breaking my fast at breakfast. I may have to hire a maid to make me juices and to go shopping for me and maybe I can pull it off. I can feel all the accumulated gunk from years and years of pizzas and doughnuts, not to mention that Mountain Dew addiction I had for the first nineteen years of my life. My arteries are probably lined with High Fructose Corn Syrup, which makes for a nice lubricant I hear.

As I’ve always said, it is easier to not do something than it is to do it unless it is an addiction, like a sugar addiction or a food addiction. No matter how lethargic I am, no matter how late it is, I can always muster the energy to go over to the cupboard and get myself a high-sugar, low-fiber poison snack and shove it in my mouth for an emotional lift and sugar high. I think maybe the Fit for Life diet gave me this sugar addiction with their whole, “nothing but fruit in the morning” approach. What did they think was going to happen? They say, “Have as much fruit as you want, but do not overeat.” What? Does that make sense? No. It’s a living paradox. Here I am, eating pints of blueberries, followed by six bananas, and then sixteen Medjool dates, and I’m still hungry, but not hungry in the stomach sense, hungry in my mouth, the salivary glands are going wild, and I know what my problem is, a sugar addiction.

I still eat fruit, but I need some time away from food. I need to find a practical time to do this fast, I may even request some days off from work to accomplish it. My family will inevitably think I’m crazy, but I think that is for the best anyway. If everyone thinks you’re crazy, you’re either right, or crazy. Sometimes the only reason I eat is because I think I have to. I’m not hungry, I just feel if I don’t, people will start saying, “You didn’t eat lunch? Why?” Because I didn’t feel like it. But that’s not a good enough answer. Going against conventional wisdom takes more courage than you think.

If I really want to scare the people I know, I should start quoting the Bible while I fast, every day and every night. Start saying how fasting is the only way to salvation and that if I do not do this, I will never get closer to the Lord. And He is the one wa all long to get close to. And it’s all here in this pamphlet. I should start going door to door, like a Jehvovah’s Witness. You know, maybe their theme song should be, “Knock, knock, knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” Going off topic has become more and more familiar to me in the past six to eight months. But I accept it because I accept myself unconditionally. And I never edit because if I think something, I think it for a reason and there is no reason to cut out part of the process, like I see on those reality shows. They’ll cut to someone screaming at another person and don’t show how that all started. It gives me no basis for judgment.

Anyway, fasting is something I think I should try and I will post results when I start to fast. I’ll have some time to post because I will not be eating. When everyone is around the dinner table, eating their roast duck, I will be slaving away at my master, my computer, documenting how it feels not to do something everyone regards as necessary. I don’t want to make a big thing out of it, though. It’s not like I’m going on a hunger strike to fight world hunger or poverty. I’m doing it because I can. I can make a choice to not do something. It is strikingly similar to my voting fast. I’ve never registered to vote in 21 1/2 years because where I currently live, my vote would be drowned out by a bunch of conservative Republican voters. And voting for yourself makes you look narcissistic anyway. Probably wouldn’t be the best idea. That is all I have for today. Come back soon for more insanity.

Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Give me the corage to change the things I do not like. And give me the wisdom to know the difference between the two. I guess that is some prayer from either Christianity or Cahtolicism. It goes something like that. And it is a very powerful quote, as it talks about acceptance vs. denial in a way that I believe we all can relate to.

We all have things in our lives we do not like or wish to change. There are some things we have power to change, while others may or may not be within reach, at least at this point in time. The wisdom to know the difference is a journey in self-exploration. We have to look at ourselves objectively sometimes to see what it is we should change, if anything, as life is an ongoing process of evolution. There are some things you cannot change about yourself or your environment, at least at your state of awareness. There are others you think you cannot change, but could with some hard work and perseverence.

If you are six hundred pounds and do not think you will ever lose the weight, that you just have to accept yourself the way you are, I encourage you to look at all the experiiences you are missing out on because of your large stature. Look at how you have to buy two ariplaine tickets if you would like to fly. Realize that anything is possible. And you may not be able to change the things you want right now, but as life moves on, these things could very well become possible. I have heard the story a thousand times before, “The doctor said I would never walk again. But here I am walking.” Just because the odds are stacked against you, that does not mean you have to succumb to apathy and learned helplessness.

And do not deny what you are getting either. You have to accept the truth in all parts of your life. It is only when we accept the truth that we are able to grow further. It does not make sense to lie to yourself on a consistent basis to hold up this facade that has a very weak foundation to it, eventually crumbling. You lower your awareness when you lie. It is obvious that the last statement is true because you are trying to convince yourself that something you are not experiencing is true. So the first step to acceptance is truth, and the second step to changing or choosing to accept your situation is coming to terms with it, and letting it be a part of you once again.

No matter how bad or good a person you are, self-acceptance and self-worth are to big keys to a fulfilling life. When you fully and unconditionally accept yourself, you become more open to possibilities to improve yourelf. It does sound a bit counter-intuitive, but because you accept yourself no matter what, you are no longer afraid to try the activities you were previously fearful of doing. Unconditional acceptance is the answer, but if something is not the way you wish it to be, go ahead and move towards changing it.

As a personal example, in my life, I no longer find my job interesting or fulfilling. I am so close to muttering the words, “I quit,” but the repercussions from my family may be something like this, “You can’t quit your job until you have another one.” Well, moving towards not having a job is nice, at least for me, as I intend to start a business in the near future, although the full details of that business are not yet on paper. I intend to cut down on my consumption in order to build up money to start this business eventually. The only thing that is really holding me back is the people around me, the people who will tell me that I will probably fail, and that may be true, but the experience will be worth it. I have to learn to let go of outcomes, which I am now practicing and will practice for the remainder of my life. Attachment to anything is the root of all suffering anyway. Make no appointment and you’ll have no disappointments. Lower your expectations, but still do whatever it is you want to do. Accept the outcome, and move on from there. That is all I have to say.

We all long for a place we like to call home, a place where we feel secure, and nothing can harm us. Home is where the heart is, as well as the spirit. But where is home? And how do we get there? I am not talking about the place where you grew up, more of a spiritual home, a place where you feel at rest, in total harmony with everything around you. I guess it is hard to describe in words, as it is more of a feeling. A place where we feel at peace with everything. I wish I could describe the feelings I have about this place, this destination, that we all long to go to someday. Could it be a heaven of sorts? Maybe. I know such a place exists, I just have to experience it firsthand. And the process is going on now. One with the world and all of that good stuff.

Here is the thing. Once you realize you are a spiritual being having a physical experience, it should put some of your fears to rest. I guess it is hard for some people to conceptualize this, as they constantly look for proof. I say the proof is within, an all-knowing self inside every one of us. This is a tool I am using to try and rid myself of fear. If I look at my physical body as simply a vehicle my spirit is using temporarily to experience the world as it is today, I can somewhat let go of the whole mortality thing, and just allow myself to experience life as it comes, do what it is I want, and pass onto something else when my vehicle “runs out of gas.” If you view life in this way, or in a way like it is some sort of dream, which is also a possibility, you somehow are no longer afraid. Nothing can really harm your spirit, the only part of you that it eternal, so everything you do and experience is less fearsome.

However, I would not recommend behaving too recklessly at this point. Do not do things that will have negative consequences in physical reality because that will only inhibit your spiritual progress. I believe we are all here for a reason. Maybe we do not know what the reason is, but we do know inherently right from wrong. We can make decisions that will lead us towards progress or we can go on a destructive path. Every thought, every action, is a choice. And once we realize that, it makes choosing to live an ideal life easier. It still is not simple, but it gets easier every day.

Knowing that no matter how bad your physical body becomes in terms of condition, that your spirit remains immortal is a key to everlasting prosperity. Look at people like Hellen Keller and Steven Hawkins. These are people who have been dealt some tough lives and yet still have made a difference in the world. There is something inside them that allowed these people to make a difference in the world. Some internal force that we still have not come to understand completely, except on a completely intrinsic level. I believe “going home” symbolizes the complete realization that we are more than just our physical bodies, that life, or existence, does go on after our physical bodies pass away. Otherwise, what is the meaning of life but to peddle products and keep the world turning?

There is a part of you that is spiritual in nature and one of the best things you can do is get to know that person. Some people call it their higher self, others intuition, but whatever you call it, it is something special to get it touch with this part of you. If you don’t believe in this sort of stuff, then that is exactly what you will percieve. But if you open yourself up just a little bit to this idea, you will start to “get it.” These words may be here in the physical world, but they were spawned from the spiritual realm, a collection of subconscious thought and spiritual wisdom that only my higher self and I could have possibly put together. I encourage you to do the same, as it has worked wonders for me. I am still not 100% on the whole reality theory, but every day I seem to get closer in closer to thinking that reality is almost 100% subjective. We shall see. Good day.

I say I want to get rid of the proverbial weeds in my life, the things I have allowed to manifest in a way that I did not want. It is a kind of de-cluttering that allows me to become where I want to be. If you don’t tend to your garden, weeds will form. It is through clearing these weeds that you allow for growth of positive things to happen. I’ll give a concrete example:

I recently came upon a term called equanimity, which means your mind is not swayed by external events and you do not let situations dictate the state of your mind.  It’s a state of calming balance, and inner peace.  The whole concept is that everything is impermanent, feeling good, feeling bad, feeling pleasure/pain, getting praise/blame, and success vs. failure.  That all are essential in human life, and none of them are permanent.  It is this realization that can put you on the path towards equanimity.  I believe this is a very strong goal to strive for, having myself remain calm even under stressful circumstances or when something does not go my way.

It is not a state of indifference, but a state of intense realization.  You do not have any stock in your current circumstances because you know they can change at any moment, and you are content with that.  You accept everything the way it is and don’t get caught by pressures put on you by society.  You don’t have to react.  You just don’t.

There are ten perfections in Buddhism, the first nine leading up to the coveted tenth, equanimity.  Here are them and a brief description of each:

1. Generosity:  Develop your capacity for generosity.  Make it so your disposition or nature is to be generous.
2. Integrity:  Develop your integrity, do not seek to harm any other living being.  Make it so the ethical foundation of your life is stable, solid, and unruffled.
3. Letting Go:  Develop the capacity to let go, for example, to let go of a grudge, because when you let go of the things that trouble you, you can do deeper thinking.  A simpler mind can do deeper work.
4. Wisdom:  Develop a capacity for wisdom.  Become a wise man, not a wise guy.  Be discerning, whatever that means.  I’ll have to look it up.
5. Energy:  Develop a capacity for overcoming laziness, procrastination, and interia, be able to put in the effort.
6. Patience:  Develop a capacity for patience.  If you are now putting in effort, it is possible to get frustrated, so this perfection is based on not getting frustrated when things don’t always work the way they should. 
7. Truth:  Develop a capacity to be truthful and know what is true to you.  Be in harmony with what you feel is true.
8. Resolve:  Resolve to do things and have the capacity to get behind it, no matter what external forces tell you.
9. Love and Kindness:  Develop a capacity for love and kindness and be kind and loving towards everything and everyone you come into contact with.
10. Equanimity:  The final step.  Develop a capacity of equanimity.  This is the culmination of the other nine steps.  All of these steps are part of your character building and this is the final step.  This is the pinnacle.  You are not ruffled by external events, as I explained above.

So, that’s the basic outline of equanimity.  I think it is a rather good goal.  I am striving towards it every day and it couldn’t hurt to do so.  All of these qualities are qualities I would love to see in myself, so there is no conflict in me doing this.  I listened to a talk about this, referred from a poster on Steve Pavlina’s site.  I really enjoyed the talk, and if I can find the link, I’ll get it to you.  Happy trails!

Edit:  I found this talk on equanimity very helpful.  Here it is, if the link does not work, I can refer you to this site.  It’s the Steve Pavlina discussion board, where the member Mike-2 brings this talk up.  I sure hope you enjoy it.  Thank you.

This is a post in response to what I have been hearing all the time lately, everywhere I go, and it’s becoming sickening to say the least.  “Have a Merry Christmas.”  At my job, all they play is Christmas music all the time, every minute of every day.  If I was Jewish or Muslim or Zoroastrian, I would be ready to explode.  I am not a Christian, nor do I affiliate myself with their holidays, although my family still does, even though they’ve left Christianity behind as well.  I will make it a mission to tell everyone who wishes me a merry Christmas that I am not a Christian, and that I am insulted by your assumption that just because I am white, nice, and polite that I must be a Christian because that’s the only religion that breeds productive members of society.  These are their words not mine.

 Some people say Happy Holidays.  Happy holidays is fine, if your particular belief system celebrates a holiday at this time of year, but why do we have to wish these things on people who don’t necessarily follow these “holidays?”  We’re a country who is supposed to have separation of church and state, but every Christmas day, all the businesses are closed and there is no real tolerance for non-conformity.  It is a given that everyone celebrates Christmas and it is a day where nobody goes anywhere, except to maybe a family member’s house.  Even the schools have “Christmas vacation,” which is paradoxical in itself to the people who don’t celebrate it.  What about when their particular holiday comes around and they’re stuck going to work or school?  They don’t get a day off at all.  It’s not fair that we make special preferences for certain religions when it comes to holidays and vacations.

Here’s what I’m proposing.  I want to create my own holiday, one that occurs maybe sometime in January, a three-day event called Strap Day.  I’ll give you a history of Strap Day to further indulge your curiosity.  Strap Day started when I was in twelfth grade when my friend and I were doing a word jumble of the eleven-letter word “insatiable.”  For some reason, I must have copied it down wrong or something, and while attempting to unscramble the letters to form the word I was looking for, ended up coming up with “strap day.”  Strap Day has become one of my favorite personal holidays.  Here is how it basically works:

1. Every year, in mid-January, we buy an onslaught of straps, which we worship in a non-religious way for six hours, while facing Woonsocket, RI, where Strap Day came into origination.
2. We hang the straps on a collection of hooks and admire them while sharing stories of how Strap Day came into origination.  It is considered unethical to have the straps hung up before Strap day, but it is a priority to have them hung up the earliest possible time on the first day of Strap Day.
3. It was originally thought that this would be followed by the death of the first-born son, but this is not an action that can be completed every year, so we dumped it completely.
4. Each person grabs their respective strap and goes over to the person of their choice and starts beating that person with the strap lightly for no more than seven minutes.  This is done starting with the youngest of the family, progressing to the older family members.
5. Now, Strap Day is not for the feint of heart.  We use the straps and then we burn them, so that the next year, in anticipation for strap day, we can design and decorate a new strap for each of us.  Sometimes we even exchange straps, in the bizarre hope that we do not get beaten with that particular strap.  It’s more of a peace offering, if you would.

So, that’s Strap Day in a nutshell.  I know it may sound bizarre, but to me, Christmas and Haunakah and Kwanzaa all sound weird.  So, when January 11-13 comes around, what will you be celebrating?  I am going to start wishing people a Happy Strap Day, complete strangers even, just to gauge their reaction and to explain to them the facets of Strap Day.

The rules of Strap Day are not written in stone.  I encourage every family to put their own spin on their Strap Day tradition.  You can add or subtract any components you do not agree with, as I am open to new ideas as well, so if you have any, be sure to respond.  Since it is only three years or so old, Strap day is something that is a work in progress.  I have not yet gotten it to perfection, but it doesn’t really matter.  I believe I should request those days off from work.  I just hope one of those days isn’t a real holiday, as it may offend people who celebrate MLK day or something, but I believe it’s on the 15th or something, right?  So it’s more of a precursor to the civil rights day, and I think that’s appropriate, as Dr. King preached acceptance of everyone, no matter their color or beliefs. 

So join with me in a celebration of freedom of holidays.  Don’t subscribe to Christmas and Haunakah, but come on over to the dark side, not dark because of evil, but because of lack of light, and enjoy the wonders that can be bestowed upon you and the pride you’ll have after you’ve completed your first strap, worshipped it, placed in on a hook, and then beaten a family member (lightly) with it.  And if you celebrate Christmas, you might as well use the same hooks or tacks you used to hang up the stockings to hang up the straps.  Time for me to start making my strap.  I believe this year, I’ll make it out of mock leather or possibly cow hide, although I do not feel an animal should have to die for me to make a valid strap.  I’ll update on this and I will give another post during Strap Day to give you a firsthand insight into the experience.  Last but not least I know I spelled Hanukah wrong or however it’s spelled, but don’t be offended.  It wasn’t my intention.

Being “awake” is a key to becoming a better person.  By awake, meaning that you understand.  And by understand, I mean that you get the big picture, that you know the nature of our existence.  And by knowing the nature of existance, you know that “life is nothing but a dream, so peaceful and serene,” albeit a very persistent one.  But even if you do reach this conclusion, it kind of stagnates there, leaving me wondering, “So what?  If this is a dream, then what’s the point of existing?”

This supposed dream we all experience, or I experience subjectively, is quite a persistent dream, although I did witness something today that threw myself for a loop.  I saw someone disappear today, which I previously thought was impossible, then thought was possible, and now I know it is definitely possible.  It’s the “prestige…”  Just kidding.  But this is seriously something I wonder about.  If this is a dream, then anything we want to happen, will to happen, can and will happen, but the problem is that if this is a dream, then it’s all utterly meaningless anyway.  If I get millions of dollars, sure I can live a lavish life of richness and wealth and everything I could dream of, but what would that mean if this is just a dream?  I’ve dreamt I was rich before and when I woke up, it didn’t play a significant part in my waking reality, so I’m not sure if the being that’s dreaming this life, this world, this universe, will see our lives in his dream as terribly significant.  I know the higher being is consciousness, and I have been experiencing tapping into it and it’s a very calming sort of presence that I rather enjoy, a state of inner peace.

It’s almost as if all my troubles melt away when I connect with this higher version of myself, of my world.  It’s like something out of a movie, an amazing wave of peace and unconditional love for everything because, as we all know, everything is consciousness, so everything is ineed ourselves.  Everything is a projection of our thoughts/consciousness.  So if we can immerse ourselves in this higher place, this higher being, we can find peace, no matter what the circumstance, which is something I’m doing more and more lately.  I know that even after I die, everything will be fine because my spirit will reconnect with this consciousness and it will all be revealed to me, away from this reality cloak. 

So the only thing I can do is experiment with different things.  Maybe I would like to levitate or become invisible, maybe manifest a million dollars and live my life out in the mansion of my dreams.  It’s all up to me.  And it will be with grace, ease, lightness, and of course peace.  I understand that this is only a dream, so I’m going to try and make it the most serene and wonderful dream possible.  Why not strive to do this?  It’s something I can definitely strive for.  And I’m showing universal repsect for anyone and everyone I encounter in my life as I know they are part of my dream, consciousness’s dream, that I have to relate to in everyday life.  I know that everyone I come in contact with represents a part of myself, so in order to fully embrace the world as it is, I have to accept this fact.  I’m on my journey through life, with wonder in my eyes, and limitless possibilities, ready for anything, and knowing that nothing can stop me.

I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t get it.  I feel as if I reside outside myself.  Ever since I had a brain tumor and the subsequent surgeries, it’s been a very surreal experience for me.  It’s very strange, and it’s very hard to explain completely, but here it goes:

It’s almost as if I am living in a dream-like state, kind of like I’m observing myself independent of my body, but also through my own eyes.  I can’t really place words on it, but to place this sort of feeling would be hard to do completely.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s the fact that I don’t understand it completely and it’s got me thinking about what reality really is.  Is it just a dream?  Because when I have dreams, they seem so real.  The places, the detail, it’s so vivid, just like real life.  So maybe life is just a very persistent dream.  Because that’s how I feel in life, just like when I’m dreaming.  It feels the same now.  I even have trouble distinguishing from the two.  Some things I’ve done in my dream I think I’ve done in reality and vice-versa.  I feel I’m moving closer to the truth, though.  Finding out that there is something above me, my physcial body that is, and it’s also a part of me.  It’s something that kind of works with me to create the world as I see it.  But I don’t know why.  I’m working towards finding out, but it’s so damn confusing.  There isn’t much direction and the more I think about it, the more confused I become.  There has to be some meaning in this existance, but what is the meaning?

Finding something like this out will take me awhile.  It will be something i enjoy though.  I think that figuring out this question is the purpose of all of our lives.  But most of us don’t do that.  And this is a shame.  Only a select few have actually done it:  Jesus, Buddha, and other mystics, but that was true to them.  Some of the things are true to me, but not all of them.  But by examining these things, we start to understand that we don’t really know.  No one does.  We’re here, but we can’t possibly know why or what our lives will mean.  It’s so abstract, but it tugs at our core beliefs so much that it can alter the world we live in drastically.  But by doing this, we gain more clarity. 

I’ve began to embark on this journey for about a year now and I really don’t know where it will take me.  I am wandering across this plane of existance, while also going to other planes.  The dream plane is completely random and the “reality” plane is very concrete and other planes I’ve never been on are probably somewhere in between.  But I’m not sure why or what or how.  So I just sit here, wondering, trying to figure this all out, while at the same time trying to hold a job and maintain a life.  It’s becoming exhausting just to be, just to exist, and doing that alone is no easy task.  It takes so much mental energy to ponder these things and to put everything in perspective in so many ways and wonder about how the world works and if it’s simply in our own minds.  Who knows what’s really going on?  It could all be some kind of dream,and that’s the way it’s starting to look in my world.

But there has to be a point to all of this.  Some things don’t make sense to me.  We were born into this world with all these rules that we had no idea were in effect, we were not consulted when they were made, and other things.  It’s a real weird situation as I see reality almost breaking down in front of me.  As I attack each core belief, I start to see different things happen that don’t seem possible under my old system.  It’s almost as if I’m at the helm of the ship and I can decide what it is that’s real, but even if I can, what does that matter?  So what if I’m powerful?  And I use that power for good/evil?  What will that do for me as an entity, not as a body?  My body is not me anymore, it’s more a part of me, but just as much as my soul or spirit is part of me. 

I hope I have some answers real soon on some of these questions.  I will be back in a couple of days after I contemplate this more.  It’s so expansive, I may get stuck for awhile, but at least I’m making some headway, and I have to find meaning it it.  So, until next time…

I like to let my mind wander. Just let go of reality for awhile. It’s very comforting. What if I was different? What if I was older, younger, smarter, more energetic, less focused, what would my life be like if I was like that? Where would I go? Would I understand everything I do now? Or would I understand more? What if I was a woman who grew up in Singapore and was told her whole life that I wasn’t very important by my parents, or told I was useless? What would life be like if I were born to a millionaire and never had to work a day in my life? All of these insane thoughts, I kind of make different lives for myself that don’t have any real staying power in reality, but they at least allow me to pass the time. I need a reason for being here, though. There are no real reasons as through the perspective of the universe, everything becomes trivial. So it’s hard to really understand what’s going on. I’m not going to accept anything blindly either. I need to have it resonate with me. I need some sort of answer that is justified in my conscious mind. And until I have that, I really do not have any answers about reality in a way that I can comprehend. Sure, people have tried to explain reality as accurately as possible, but they have not done so to my standards. I need something more concrete, something I can grasp.

I want to know why we’ve created this world and why we live isolated from the rest of the universe, and mostly isolated from the world. I need answers, but it’s not easy to come by them these days. The fact that I’m thinking about this counts, though. If I was just living a sedentary life, with no real questions, no thoughts of introspection, then I would be ashamed of myself, realizing that I have nothing to offer. But maybe I’m crazy and the rest of the world is sane. How would I know? I have no one else to compare myself to that won’t be wearing their mask of sanity. The people that will act normal to fit in and never understand why until it’s too late, they are normal. It’s an assimilation, if you will. A direct assimilation that halts creativity and mind. But in order to be accepted by these people, these entities, we have to want the newest car, the greatest gadget, and watch hours of television where these innate values are fed to us with a silver spoon.

But what does this mean anyway? If someone is dishonest about marketing a product to you through all these relatively evil methods, what is their real motivation besides money? And what will money do for you once you have too much of it? And what does money have to do with the whole universe? Why are we on this planet where making money from something is more important than actively giving it away to benefit people? Maybe I was brought into existence too late because I’m sure the universe didn’t work this way thousands of years ago, a time where we thought for ourselves and based our decisions not by what others did, but from what we want to do.

I think the best question to ask in all of this is: Why? And I’m sure you could go for the cop-out answer: Why not? But that’s not very clever, nor is it amusing. People will go into some long-winded sermon about how a certain religion is right and that it’s the only way to answer that question. And I can’t deal with that. I don’t want beliefs forced on me. I want to figure my own beliefs out for myself. I’ll assess the situation and go from there. It’s a hell of a time doing this, though. It could take a lifetime, maybe longer. But most people don’t take the time to do this. They follow whatever they’re fed because it’s too much work to figure out things for themselves. Just go to someone who seems to be thriving in a current belief system and adopt it. But it shouldn’t be that simple. Something is telling me it has to resonate with you completely. It can’t be someone else’s words flowing through your head. The only thoughts that should be flowing through your head are yours.

I don’t know how much further I can take this before I go completely and utterly insane, but I feel there is such a group mentality in the world where people simply believe what certain people believe in order to be accepted, while not completely accepting themselves. If you completely and fully accept yourself, then there will be no need to search for acceptance in other people. This is where the concepts go astray because the majority of people don’t really accept themselves and don’t believe in anything specific, due to the fact they don’t take the time to see what works for them. So they take “the easy way out,” not finding beliefs and not accepting anything as real. So they look to others for some guidance, and the guidance most people give have to do with their own agendas and conversion rhetoric. It’s a terrible system and it needs to change. If I were to form a group, I wouldn’t want anyone to be here that doesn’t believe what I believe in because it would be incongruent with their beliefs. Why would you go to a Catholic church if you’re a Muslim?

But we all want answers. Answers are what we desire. Answer to Why and Why Not are very hard to come by. But most people don’t put in the time to answer logically. This is a problem because this leads most people to believing what others believe in just because they haven’t done the groundwork for their own unique belief system. We’re so conditioned to treat time as “money,” and to not take time to ponder these great questions, but rather to get as much done in a half-hour as is humanly possible. Efficiency is highly valued, but introspection and assessment of the self is not. We value robotic “good” workers much more than we reward intuitive thinkers whose ideas can be very useful. Sure, people like Jesus and Buddha got recognition and so did Socrates and Plato, but most of these people are told, “Why don’t you get a job, you lazy bastard!” And it’s wrong, wrong. Let them think, let them experiment.  These are the fathers of the new world.  Don’t stifle their creativity, but embrace it.

Sidenote:  I know these posts are becoming a bit more abstract and less funny, but it’s just I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking lately and it’s been wonderful.  It’s an exercise in the mind.  You should try it sometime.  It does wonders for my creativity as well.  And the dreams!  Vivid, amazing dreams that you could never imagine unless you personally had them yourself!